It’s that time again.
(By which I mean, Big Brother is on. I have something of an annual tradition on my personal blog, of typing up extensive notes of what I think of all the housemates on launch night, intending to compile these into a detailed and comprehensive blog post summarising my overall thoughts, then giving up and just posting my initial scribblings in whatever haphazard note form they were first made. So, that’s what’s about to happen. I’ve cross-posted it over here too because I’ve been quiet here for far too long, but I do have a proper post about actual stuff nearly ready, so bear with me.)
Sounds like rule-breaking’s actually getting punished this year. With, like, some kind of jail cell deal. A tiny, three-square-foot jail cell that people will get locked up in, with some seriously creepy dolls’ heads making up one entire wall. If you keep breaking the rules after that, though, you go to this rather nice and more spacious white padded room somewhere.
Weird sleeping arrangements, with half the housemates in this gorgeous plush regal suite, and another half in utter skanksville. Looks like more contrived tension-building, I’m not really keen.
Onto the housemates.
Mario, 42, sales executive, and Lisa, 40, sales rep. A couple, but “not the average couple”, as they’re very keen to insist. Oh god, they’re going to be wacky and zany and crazy, aren’t they? They love themselves. People are going to hate them. Including me. It’s started already. Oh, and although Mario calls himself the “Italian Stallion”, he’s actually named Sean and has never been to Italy. If Lisa was reincarnated, she’d come back as Simon Cowell. This seems to miss the point in any number of ways. He’s a Freemason, and was possibly not supposed to tell us that, Davina opines. They’re the first in. If they’re canny, they could pretend they don’t know each other, and they were just randomly the first two in and have only just met. That’d be interesting.
Luke, 20, student. Doesn’t drink/swear/smoke, loves to wear suits, and plans to change the public perception of students. George Formby is his theme music. He’s not very good at talking to women, and they tend to think he’s gay. See, Luke, the problem with you changing the way students are perceived, is that there’s not just one all-encompassing stereotype of what students are like, is there? There’s the drinking, swearing, smoking, kind… and there’s you. You’re really not rebellious or interesting. You’re just a boringly geeky kind of student. He seems like a fairly decent bloke, actually, but with just some annoying mannerisms, I might warm to the guy if he can manage to be a little less McLovin over time.
Stephanie, 19, student. She’s “got the X-Factor”, everyone’s always noticed this about her ever since she was little. Anyone remember Nikki Grahame, the entitlement queen from two Big Brothers ago? Like that, but without the charm and likeability. Seriously. She’s someone I’d expect to see building herself up massively before Simon Cowell calls her a talentless idiot. She’s like someone I’d find unconvincingly written in a Ben Elton novel.
An intermission in proceedings before any more are introduced: They didn’t think of it themselves, but these four housemates have been given a secret mission to keep Mario and Lisa’s relationship a secret. None of the other housemates, who we’re yet to meet, can find out about it, or they’ll fail the task and be automatically up for nomination, or something. Their cover story is that Mario and Stephanie are, in fact, in a relationship.
I fucking love this show.
The fake couple have decided that they’ve been together about 8 months, and to shave a decade of Mario’s age, to make him seem a bit less like a dirty old man.
Rachel, 24, trainee teacher. More than hyperactive enough to keep up with a roomful of kindergarteners. She’s proud to be curvy? And those curves would be where, exactly? I actually quite like her. Bit loud, wouldn’t cope with her in person, but I think she’s going to be alright. Has a lot of pet animals (including nine geese, I think, drifted from Davina’s narrative for a moment) all of whose names seem to end in -y. And in a strange inversion, I’m liking her more and more the more I see of her. She’s totally buying the Mario/Stephanie couple thing.
Dale, 21, student. You know, admitting you’re an arrogant fuck doesn’t let you off being an arrogant fuck. If anything, it makes it marginally worse. “If there’s any fanny in there, I’ll wanna nail it.” “I wouldn’t say I’m shallow, but, I wouldn’t start speaking to an ugly person.” I ought to be providing some sort of commentary here, but I think he speaks for himself. “I’ll do anything for money.” So physically and mentally strong that nothing will make him leave. Oh, I really, really hope they break him.
Sylvia, 21, student. God, all the fucking students are in. She’s young, black, and trendy. Very trendy. She’s so trendy. Did she mention how trendy she is? Yes. Yes she did. I work in an office with three of her. She’s a Little Miss Jocelyn character. I’m grinding my teeth already.
Dennis, 23, dance student. It takes a lot to make my gaydar even flicker, let alone explode, but… wow. Oh god, at least he makes me appreciate small mercies – if I was in an office with three of him there’d be a body count by lunchtime. And he’s got a hat which he doesn’t seem to trust to stay on his head unless he’s holding on to it the whole time. And it’s got feathers. Lots of the individual elements ought to add up to “fabulous”, but by God does the end result miss the mark.
Michael, 33, radio producer, blind in one eye since he was 8, and the other since he was 23. Done stand-up comedy, likes being an entertainer, talking about doing drag is really getting him excited. Could be interesting. Not much to dislike about him, not much to love either.
Alexandra, 23, accounts executive. Born special. Yeah, I can see why they put her in, because Charley was just such a big damn success last year. She’s an inspiration to so many people, and her first justification for that is that she had a kid when she was 16. And she’s so genuine and for realz that she has to keep asserting how genuine she is to make sure you realise how genuine she is. The crowd are reacting with appropriate contempt, and she’s lapping it up. She’s a Muslim, allegedly. I don’t know what the writings of Mohammed say about purple dresses that barely cover your crotch and show off a good square foot of cleavage, but I’ve never claimed to be a religious scholar.
Rex, 24, executive chef. Either a total dick who can put on a moderately friendly facade, or someone who grew up as an out-of-control wildchild but eventually found his place and became more well-adjusted than anyone else in the house. Too early to tell, but so far I’m inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. Has the potential to totally rock, if he doesn’t turn out to be secretly a prick.
Mohamed. Not a terrorist. Also very keen to assure us of that. Haven’t we had enough boring stereotypes of urban black youth for one century ever? Nope, I’m changing my mind already, he might be okay too. Seems nice enough. Rockin’ the afro. But having trouble figuring out how to open the door.
Rebecca, 21, nursery nurse. Haven’t understood a word she’s said yet. She does talk fast, but I can usually cope with that, so I’m just going to assert that she’s also a bloody idiot who can’t speak proper. She likes annoying people with her crazy, wacky ways. Big Brother asks in the audition if she’s ever been compared to Vicky Pollard. However could they tell? She’s nice, sweet, kind, entirely without malice, and I hate her with a burning fury.
Darnell, 26, songwriter. I take that to mean he’s unemployed. Describes himself as “too white for the black kids, too black for the white kids”. See, with the lighting on that shot, it looked like he was some sort of mixed race and just trying to be too cool for school. Then in the next shot when we got a better look at him, I was about to say, dude, look at you, you’re a fucking albino, but wait, actually… yeah, he really is an actual albino. Huh. Okay, kinda liking him, seems pleasant enough and isn’t infuriating me with his general demeanour.
Jennifer, 22, part-time model. She’s been talking for a while and I can’t make up my mind. Pretty hot, but… agh, do I hate her? She might be nice enough, if she’s genuine with it all… Oh, she’s anti-abortion and doesn’t want any illegal immigrants in her country. And thinks meat is murder. Right. And she’s “slightly psychic”. Okay, fuck her. Except she does still seem quite nice. And definitely hot. Maybe it’ll kick off when Rex cooks up some steak and I’ll get to loathe her with impunity.
Kathreya, 30, Thai massage therapist. She’s a massage therapist from Bangkok. Yep. She loves dancing, a word which she seems to understand to mean bouncing up and down like she’s having a vertically oriented epileptic fit. And she’s rather… what’s a tactful word for “chubby”? She’s eating during her practice interview thing, and still has some weird food jar thingy with her as she goes into the house. Oh, they’re cookies. And she wants her gravestone to be a giant cookie that her family can come and eat. And for some reason it’s also important that we know about a dream she once had where her whole house was made of cookies and she ate it all. She reminds me of a character from Sesame Street, but I can’t decide which one…
So, that’s our housemates. And on Sunday, the fake couple are going to get married. As part of the secret task of keeping Mario and Lisa’s real relationship a secret, Mario and Stephanie are going to have to take part in what they will be (falsely) told is a real, legally binding marriage ceremony.
I fucking love this show.
‘Night, all.
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