At a press conference held this morning, self-styled “creator of the universe” God provided disappointingly little new information as to his reasons for causing a devastating earthquake in the Caribbean country of Haiti.
Although the word of God is held by many to be a sacred and unambiguous message given to us directly by the almighty lord of all things, many commentators are expressing a growing frustration with the creator’s vagueness on numerous policy issues, and unwillingness to provide specific details as to his overall strategy.
“Those who suffer now were an abomination unto my presence,” God said at 9:30 this morning, reading from a prepared statement. But when asked by the assembled press corps for details as to why the people of Haiti had been singled out for punishment, the Father became more reticent.
“He actually tried to blame it on the sodomites,” said Dib Snibson, a junior reporter for the Englebert Weekly News, who was present at the conference. “Really! As if Sodom were anywhere near Haiti, or homosexuality had any connection to tectonic plate activity. And like there aren’t much gayer places in the world than Haiti. I mean, Jeez. The guy just keeps re-running the same old excuses that don’t even make sense.”
“Makes you wonder if there’s really any kind of cosmic plan at all beyond the random whims of nature,” he added thoughtfully.
This was God’s first press conference of 2010, and has been widely regarded as one of his most unsatisfactory appearances in recent years. It comes as a particular let-down after his extremely well received Christmas message, mere weeks ago, in which he eloquently explained how it’s fine if people want to wish each other Merry Christmas, equally fine if they don’t, and we should all really stop taking these fiddly details so seriously and just concentrate on being decent to one another.
I know I decided that making The Daily Half-truth actually happen daily was more work than I really needed, but these are still fun to do once in a while.
(I know I’m not offering much in the way of actual practical info about helping out those hundreds of thousands of people whose country just broke, but the Skepchicks are on it. Go check them out.)